I LIED, AGAIN.

I did it again. I try not to lie but each and every time I find myself slipping back to the old lies.

I am writing this just after lying to someone who came kindly to borrow a flash disk, which I had inside my pocket. I lied. Again. I know it’s a deliberate untruth but I have my reasons – I think.

First, I am just chilling in the library reading and going about my research, when all of a sudden, this guy out of the blues, comes over to me and asks if my internet is working properly. With kindness, I reply, “Yes it is.” Wait a minute. He’s not done. He goes on. He asks if I have a flash disk. What was his motive? His intention? Why me? There is a librarian ahead of us, why not go to him? He is at a better position to help you with internet than I can. Maybe he has a universal flash disk that is used by all who access the library.

I look friendly, you may say. Thank you. That’s a compliment. But I was disrupted while in the zone. Don’t you see that? I just saw, if I got into my pockets and gave him the flash disk, I would waste time. Time management lectures? Remember. I would disrupt myself. Aren’t we taught to be focused and avoid distractions that pop up in life? Wasn’t that a distraction? What? No, I hear you. Blame the school system. Couldn’t agree more.

Hope you understand (at least try). I am innocent.

I know probably where he is, he’s got the help he needed and maybe he bought a flash disk. Haven’t I helped him? Am I allowed to think that way? I am wishing him the best. I could pray for him too. Is that allowed?

I know I lied. Please don’t rub it in.

I feel guilty. I want to help others. Not so long ago I was talking about, wanting to serve others. For God to open a door, where I could show my skills in serving. Have I failed, already? Or could he have come at a wrong time? Maybe! Yes, I think so. He could have come 10 seconds earlier or 5 seconds after, maybe I would have helped him. You know what? Remove the ‘maybe,’ I would have helped him. It’s his fault. Next time, he should time well. Buy Rolex watches people, please.

But again, I wonder; What if it happened to me? What if I was the victim? I probably was to submit an important thesis to my professor and time had run out. Maybe, the chief accountant has come to count and verify the stocks and I haven’t yet updated the book of records. All I need is a flash disk. Between my job and unemployment, is a mere flash disk! Between my grade and failing a whole unit, is just a mere flash disk!

What do you say people? I’m I still innocent of lying? I might have ruined someone’s life. No, that is just bad – too extreme. Don’t want to think of it that way. You’re right, I am over thinking.

I feel I should put my pen down and run after him. Is it too late? Even if I get him, will he accept it this time round? I’m sorry mahn!

It’s just a flash disk. No need of torturing myself.

I vow not to lie again. Don’t know who I may hurt or disrupt. I want peace in my life. I’m going to sneak it in my New Year’s Resolution. Can it be one of my big hairy audacious goals? I thought so too. It’s small. It can’t fit there.

The good thing about saying the truth is that you never have to worry about what you said. That is so true because now a myriad of thoughts, if I did or did not do the right thing is torturing me.

Still, I don’t want to be perfect. Being perfect entails giving up my sanity. I’m not ready for that. I know what I can do; I can have a spirit of excellence. If I do something wrong, I forgive myself and move on to the next. I have decided to pursue peace in my life. If it means stop lying, so be it.

To those reading this, we all lie. I mean who hasn’t at one point? You’re lying now. If you esteem your reputation and love peace, do not lie.

Hopefully, I won’t be writing about lying again. I’ll do my best not to lie again. So help me God.