GUILT: Life’s national disaster

Wow! The way this word makes us feel is just out of this world.

It takes possession of the mind and we won’t be wrong calling it the mind’s epidemic. For as we know; the mind is the ultimate treasure house of power and guilt blocks the radiation of this power.

First, excuse my behavior. What is guilt? English meaning please. I think in its simplest form it can be defined as the state that one feels or finds themselves from committing a criminal offence, disobedience of the law… Okay that’s too much – or having erred from a morally wrong action and wishes they could get one chance to re-do it all over again.

That’s better, right? I agree too.

We have all at one point found ourselves in such a state where we feel if time could only be reversed just for a year, month, week, day, hour, second; we would have started a fresh and performed our actions differently with the new knowledge we have gained over that period. You would have restructured your grammar sentences much better, you would have stayed or waited a little bit longer, you would have changed your behavior, you would have said ‘yes’ to that relationship, ‘no’ to that business deal, taken ‘his’ advice seriously, practiced God’s commands, you would have knelt down to pray, read more, played with a little bit more vigor, you would have brushed your teeth, you wouldn’t have attended that party, you would have stopped the complaining and instead of arguing you would have listened.

For by now, the life you are living is because of the choices you made yesterday. It is tough. It is sad. For others, it is unbearable to the extent of them uttering the famous words of Paul the apostle – though in a different context that. “To die is gain and to live is Christ.”

For some, we are too old to turn things around and for others, enough time has passed by to right your wrongs. That saying, ‘If youth only knew, if age could only allow,’ applies to our situations.

Guilt

Might you be one of them?

I am.

So what do we do? What can I do? Can you please tell me how you overcame the depression caused by ‘that’ guilt? I have a feeling with the way I’m repressing my issues; depression will sweep me off my feet. How do you live with such consequences? To say the truth, I’ve tried but with the help of a shot of vodka. Sometimes all I want is to light up a joint, I want to sniff that fresh white coke between my nostrils into my system for my nerves are itching.

Why do you think I sleep in ditches, in road alleys and under the fly-over’s steps?

You thought I liked it?

You are silly – very silly.

What a folly mind you posses.

If only I had the strength that is in you. What did you say? Oooh, it’s an innate ability not to feel and be burdened by guilt? I knew it. My guess was right. It is not them or my environment, but it is me. I am not smart enough. I am not handsome. I am not beautiful. Look at my hair and tell me what you see. My height is just but a bonus. My skin color is heat’s best friend. I come from the least of tribes in this country. I was raised in the ghetto – mimi ni wa ushago (I come from the village).

I can’t make it in this world.

Why do you think I roam the streets of Koinange every night? You think there is no Loita street? Okay, Ronald Ngala Street? No one in my life, let me reiterate, no one in my entire life has ever told me I’m beautiful – leave alone show me. Someone with a classy suit and a big car tells me that he loves me. Me? Love? How? And wait, he adds a stack of dough (money) on it. What a blessing. Heavens just opened for me. Truly, my dreams are valid. I’ve found true love. I am loved.

I sit in class coiled up in a corner since all girls I approach say I’m ugly – even my crush. I’m too short for them. I’m not their type. What does that even mean? I’m not their skin color choice of a man. I am dumb. Worse, I’m not from their tribe leave alone clan. But I want a girlfriend so bad. I want a friend who is my opposite sex. It tops my prayer list every time I pray. It really hurts guys.

No, I am not a bad boy. I am kind. I don’t drink alcohol nor delve into drugs. I go to church but my God, MY God has put me on hold! I can no longer call Him “Abba Father.” So what do I do? I go pay a girl with a red mini-skirt who will tell me she loves me more than my mother does.

Then what?

I catch a virus – not flu – HIV. Currently, I’m at Kenyatta National Hospital with 26 tubes connected to my body, fluids entering and leaving. I’m as thin as a needle – a needle laughs at me but I am heavy than you might think. I was strong with infinite unbridled energy.

I’m pregnant with three kids plus I aborted four times. I lacked the 5000 shillings this time around. I live in an impoverish lifestyle, destitution being the foundation of my life. I even don’t know the baby’s daddies. I wish I knew that one at least.

I thought I had ride-to-die friends. On my decision to quit school, they told me they got my back. I’m 27 living with my mother. Beards rugged you can’t see my mouth. I race for the mirror to shave my beards before my dad awakes. It’s so embarrassing.

I cheated on my wife with what I can’t even call a girl. Yuck! Lord open my eyes! I threw a diamond and picked a rock. I have used worth a thousand shillings of airtime in a span of two weeks calling her, her mother, her siblings, even the dad. The dad? Trying to persuade her to come back home, home ‘where she belongs.’ Probability so far is zero. Hoping it will change. Pray for me.

I fought with my team-mate, colleague, band-mate during a match, at the office, during practice and now I’m off the team, off the band, just got fired. All I know is to play ball, sing, dance and I cannot picture myself doing anything else. From my lineage, education wasn’t placed in us. Either way, Abraham didn’t go to school or his son Isaac.

What am I to do? Is it too late for me to turn back my ways? If not a 180 degrees turn then just 27 degrees. At least it will be a start in a new direction. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a step. Right?

I hear what you are saying and what a reprieve that is on my side. Chelal, that is just too much for me – no problem, water under the bridge. The guilt I am battling is ‘small’ in a way. It may be lying, stealing, teasing, gossip, copying a term paper, recording the wrong transactions deliberately, cursing, and kissing the same sex. Others even carry the guilt of others within them. What a friend or family member did to someone and you feel responsible, you decide to be a Good Samaritan and help them with the burden. Do not beat yourself over it. It is not your responsibility and let it go! The Good Book says, ‘Anger rests in the bosom of fools.’

Ooouucchhhhh! Inflamed?

Whatever it is that you feel guilty about; I know a friend who can sort you out free of charge. His name is Jesus. He’ll answer you when you call. He’ll wipe your tear. He’ll clean you up and write your name in the book of life. He’ll welcome you as His child and forget your past. As it is written in 2nd Corinthians 5:17; “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (NIV)

Shed the shackles of guilt and place your trust in God knowing you are free from your past. Start a fresh and don’t worry what people around you – including your family members and friends – say for they may think it is strange that you do not plunge with them into the same flood of dissipation, and they heap abuse on you. By doing this, you start to liberate your true human potential and watch that guilt slip away like an unwelcome house guest. Choose. Everything you are and ever will be, is the result of your choices and decisions so the choice you make today determines your tomorrow.

I know it’s not easy but don’t beat yourself down plus never regret anything for at one time it is what you wanted. Believe that everything that is happening to you in the short-term is part of a great plan to ultimately make you successful.

Lenga stress!

Can I share with you my guilt? Promise me you won’t laugh. Okay here it goes.

Every time I program my mind or promise myself I’ll wake up at 4 am to read and wake up at 8 am, I feel so guilty! Ha-ha!

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9 thoughts on “GUILT: Life’s national disaster

  1. you mixed my emotions bro,at one point am laughing at another point am thinkin wait a minute this is deep…good stuff, God has blessed you with the gift of writing may it take u before kings…my life is an open book and al tell you right away what am guilty of…i rejoiced at that part u said that Abraham dint go to school and neither did His son Isaac…wait hold it right there i think its not guilt its a revelation…Wen books get hard jst stick to your calling…hehehe guilty of justifying myself……

  2. Such an incredible piece!This is really deep stuff i think its about time for you to have your own stage to preach it out loud to the nations!!….very powerful i had to read it twice!

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