Might this be the problem?
I can hear it when I call, feel it when I text and see it on how you hug me. Is it this bad?
No more sparks, no more fireworks, no more holding of hands and no more I love you’s. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Or there isn’t even any end in the tunnel?
What I do or say is no longer satisfying. I remember you used to laugh at my stale jokes. Relished the places I took you, garbed to impress me and voiced I was a good, if not the best, cook.
I have changed. Yes, you’re right. I have changed. And I wish you met me now. I was funny. I was popular. I had fashion. That all changed.
These days, I might walk nonstop past a friend, who will be convinced, what a snob I’ve grown into. But truth be told, I didn’t spot them. My thoughts are no longer here with me. I think a lot. I think incongruously. I presume I’m a walking GPS. I need to be somewhere? I’ll get to my destination but have no idea, how the journey felt.
I know! I know! I’m a weirdo – that’s my boon. But I don’t like that word, can you use ‘peculiar’ or ‘someone that stands out’. I was once told that one of the greatest compliments I could ever receive was someone to say, “You are different.”
The closer I live to God, the smaller everything else appears. You can blame Him if you want, but keep me out of the picture! I may get to choose my career, my spouse, my hobbies, you and many other parts of my life, but I don’t get to choose my purpose. What on earth am I here for? I’m reading ‘The Purpose Driven Life’ by Rick Warren, trusting by the end of it God will find it willing to make known to me, because life has no meaning. I feel I’m a ship without a rudder. If you handed me an invention I had never seen before, I wouldn’t know its purpose, and the invention wouldn’t be able to tell me either. Only the creator can.
Master. Mission. Mate. – I was taught this in men’s meeting. Ooh, mind you, it’s in that order! Master is Jesus. Mission is my purpose and Mate, well mate is… you.
Anne Mukei captured the gist of my letter. She said, “If you flip that switch, you may see that your [our] problem is not necessarily the biggest or the most important.”
Have a look at the natives of Mpeketoni. An armed gang decided to descend on them with ‘machetes’, leaving more than 60 people dead. About 600 households are currently taking refuge in camps, sleeping on a bare ground; no mattress, no blanket. Their husbands and fathers have been killed, and hopelessness is written all over their face. Am I different than them? Did God love them less? Followed the news on that young kid from Mombasa whose leg was amputated due to a stray bullet? See the numerous number of beings dying of hunger, Cancer or Ebola. Do you see the state in Gaza? Tune in to Al Jazeera, BBC, or just Google.
Every day you walk to town, to school, to the mall, or to your job. Ever stopped and wondered why the street urchins are there and not you? Maybe I’m tooting my own horn, but today, as I walked past Daystar University, a woman and the child were seated by the roadside, in need. I paused. I looked for the 10 shilling coin that was returned as bus change. Dropped it in the cup and left hurriedly. And much to my chagrin, I had 500 shillings in my pint-sized pocket. I brushed it and returned it way down, deep into my pocket.
Did you know: In India, women pay dowry. I’m shocked too!
I’ll stop there, for I know you have many more poignant moments and experiences that could knock me flat on my ass.
But I ask. What are you angry about, again? What really makes you want it your way? What makes you give me attitude and clam up? Don’t catch feelings. Ain’t nobody got time for that! I agree. You deserve happiness. Actually, you deserve everything ducky and I want to be that guy who provides you with all your needs.
I don’t want to lose you. I also hope I’m not one of the frogs that you have to kiss before you find your prince. On the other hand, I don’t want to cause you harm, inflict a grievous wrong, or cause you more sleepless nights, to make you cry or make you wish you had chosen otherwise.
If you leave, it’ll be my loss. I won’t get enough of it from my boys; maybe sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. But (most important but), if you hang in there, give me time, love me still, then you’ll bring out the me, you want.
I’m not saying, you are not important, we are not important, all I’m saying is there are people, all corners and ends of the world, who would blissfully swap lives and have what we have.
For the sake of brevity, I’d like to wind up by requesting; can we do it our way? Can we run our relationship by our rules? We don’t have to do what the world does, dress how the society wants, eat at certain restaurants, walk with a certain gait or take selfies and post it on Instagram.
Let us bring God on board, center this friendship around Him for we know a rope made of three cords is hard to break and suddenly, many activities, goals and even problems that seemed important will appear trivial, petty and unworthy of our attention.
Make me care.